An Arrow for the Knee

Are you in need of a good laugh? Everyone is from time to time; in fact a lot of people find that laughing at the worst times makes them feel better because if they didn’t they would just sob. I think it’s pretty clear to say I am one of those people – for the most part.

This week I’m trying to laugh as much as possible at a great many things, since I’m currently house-sitting for my Mother after being away from home on a business trip for a week. House-sitting isn’t a terrible thing when you think about it.  I get to use her car and I have free food (she left me money for groceries – you didn’t think I was eating anything in her refrigerator? She has that whole expiration date issue going on.) Add to this not having to worry about on-street parking or even commuting 45 minutes to work and you would think I was crazy to complain about things. Alas there is always a catch to a good thing, a line of fine print at the bottom of the contract. Mine this week comes in several forms.

My mother and husband, Stuart were kind enough to go to Florida on vacation for a week  taking along with them my Brother, Kevin and Brother-in-law, Brent and leave me with my 93 year old Grandmother (aka Nonna) and their dog, Indiana. Okay I can hear you now, “Man up it’s an old woman and a dog!” (as Mad Dog pointed out that’s like saying Dolores Claiborne and Cujo are just an old lady and a dog) and I would say the same thing, but when you add several other factors you have the actual possibility of me becoming an alcoholic before the end of the week or being one of the women who just disappear never to be heard from again. Let me lay out the rest of the universe’s evil joke on me.

House-sitting has placed me in Mansfield for the week, with both my children Lex and Loki. Two factors that no one else usually has to deal with in conjunction with Nonna and Indiana. This means hours of child harassment on the part of Nonna, some 3rd party parenting, barking (this is Indiana and not Nonna in case you’re wondering) and the continuous NON-STOP feeding of my children. If I didn’t know any better I would think she lived in the forest in a gingerbread house and was fattening them up for a feast. From personal experience I know she didn’t give me cookies as child, much less a whole bag in one day.

At 93 years old my Grandmother is experiencing some memory issues, which we all have the pleasure of experiencing with her. This means the dog might be fed 10 times a day and she never eats lunch. This is a little difficult to explain to a 3 and 5 year old after the thirtieth time she asks them, “What did you do at school today?” Though both my children are polite, it’s getting to the point that Lex is mocking her a bit. The mass chaos of the house is amplified to an unbelievable decibel, the dog barking and our attempts to keep up Loki’s potty training.  She is doing a great job despite all her Great Grandmother’s attempts to annoy her back into diapers. I think Loki will be opting for the lock on the bathroom door shortly, since every time Loki is out of sight for more that a minute Nonna has to hunt her down.

Add to all this that we are not in our normal environment, out of our regular schedule and short of patience with each other – and you get some  creative parenting on my part. I have advised both children, who are sharing the full bed in the guest room that they can be separated and one will be placed to sleep in the car outside and the other will be placed in the attic to sleep. I think Lex is catching on to this empty threat, but tonight I offered to pull down the ladder to the attic if he would like the accommodation. We have tough love in our family if you haven’t noticed. This was after he claimed he broke his ankle after running in the house. Through his tears he realized I wasn’t kidding that we could head to the hospital to have it amputated to stop the pain if it was so bad.

Lets now add a new layer to the madness- Mad Dog. Come this Thursday, my last link to reality, sanity and the possible difference between electroshock therapy and medication will be heading to Dallas, Texas for the Comic Pro Convention for business. Yes, I know you were reading all the above stuff and think she has Mad Dog-he takes care of her – yup I will have Mad Dog until Thursday morning about 3AM and then I am officially on my own. This means that my children, Grandmother and the dog can start on the final destruction of my mind. If you don’t think that is the kicker – (this might be way too-too- TMI for some of you) I am scheduled for my period any day now. Why no one thought to ask (this means my family, the Comic Pro people, Mad Dog and his boss and everyone else in the world) if I was going to have my period when I would be under all this stress is beyond me. I mean there have been generals and presidents in history that haven’t had to deal with people such as this under the best of circumstances.

All this means the little things are getting to me right now. Like tonight at dinner. I’m sitting across from my Grandmother and she is slipping the dog french fries. Lex asks simply, “Why does the doggy always want our food?” I just had to laugh and say I have no idea why he would, all the while I’m thinking about the line from the movie Moonstruck, where Olympia Dukaskis says, “Old man. . . you give those dogs another plate of my food and I’ll kick you ’til your dead.” Of course I’m A) not going to say this to my 93 year old Grandmother and B) not going to do it, but honestly I could not stop hearing that voice in my head. I completely understand why my Mother is slowly losing her mind. This scares me, because my Grandmother took care of her mother (my Nonna) until she drove her mad and now my mother is caring for Nana until she drives her mad and then Sandy will unleash the daughters curse on me and I on Loki (if I’m lucky she will take me). I find us worrying about everything she does. Mad Dog and I watch her doing something as simple as taking the dish detergent out to fill the dish washer, while grabbing a mug from the cabinet and we can see we’re both thinking that she might poison herself by accident. She of course is not that bad off by any means, but you do have to wonder what is going through her mind at the time.

It’s Tuesday. I have one more day of work this week (Wednesday) and then I am on my own until Sunday when they all come back to see if I survived. I guess someone has to take the arrow in the knee. I said “the knee” – I’m not taking it in both mind you!

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~ by Cute Fan Girl on February 7, 2012.

One Response to “An Arrow for the Knee”

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